In between stops on her Sticky & Sweet tour, Madonna has been looking for a new apartment New York City to shack up with Alex Rodriguez, according to Page…

Madonna and Alex “A-Rod” Rodriguez are doing a super job keeping their relationship on the down low. Because you know what’s always incredibly discreet? Shopping for $60 million mansions together in New York City. They should be spies. Page Six reports:

A knowledgeable real estate source tells us the kabbalah-crazed pop queen and the skirt-chasing power hitter are “discreetly looking at properties between Fifth and Park avenues, from just above 60th Street through the 80s.
“Madonna personally came to look at one house a couple of months ago, and Alex has been looking recently,” the insider said. “We’re talking about private, double-width mansions in the vicinity of $30 million to $60 million.”
Madge and A-Rod are also interested in scoring a house “with a garage that you can drive into for additional privacy - although those are rare and hard to come by,” our spy added. Another source said they were also looking in the Hamptons.

So, wait, $30 to $60 million for a “double-width” mansion and it doesn’t even come with a garage? Christ, even my shitty, dilapidated quaint, child-friendly place has a garage. *light bulb* Excuse me, folks, I suddenly feel the need to move some real estate. Anyone know how many zeroes are in $50 gajillion?

Impeccable sources reveal exclusively to PerezHilton.com that Guy Ritchie is walking away with $70 million of Madonna’s money in his divorce from the Queen of Pop.
He’s worse than Heather Mills.
At least she was upfront about being a gold digger!
[Image via WENN.]

Guy Ritchie just poured tea, biscuits and poor dental hygiene all over Madonna’s claims that he’s a gold-digger. The British director has refused to accept a penny of her money in their divorce settlement with his only concern being the living arrangement of their children. The Daily Mail reports:

Although Ritchie, himself believed to be worth £30m, was entitled under English divorce law to as much as half of her wealth, sources suggest he has done a ‘Piper’ - a reference to Billie Piper, the actress who divorced the broadcaster Chris Evans without asking for anything.
The stumbling block in the split had been over where Ritchie and Madonna’s children will now live.
Madonna, 50, wished to take the children back to New York while Ritchie, 40, wanted to keep his sons in London, where they have grown up.
The source said a compromise had now been reached which will see the two boys - Rocco, eight, and three-year-old adopted David - dividing their time between Britain and the US.

Before everyone starts singing the praises of Guy Ritchie, his intentions are not entirely altruistic. C’mon, the dude’s smart. He knows you don’t steal a mummy’s gold without a scorpion ending up in your urethra. That’s science.

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What happened when the Queen of Pop met the Queen of All Media????
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We’re dying. Dying. Dead. Dying. Reborn.

We have a TON of pictures and video of Madonna’s concert last night at Dodger Stadium here in Los Angeles and I will throw up as much of it…

Because she’s a big girl now, Hayden Panettiere got to stay up late and attend the Madonna concert last night. Of course, everyone knows you don’t go to a Madonna concert without looking super sexy. Unfortunately, in Hayden’s case, she ended up looking super FAIL. I think I speak for everybody when I say Hayden Panettiere should only be seen in her Heroes cheerleader outfit until she reaches the ripe old age of 102 like that other midget actor, what’s his face? Kevin Connolly.

NOTE: For those of you remembering my days of unbridled lust for Hayden, you ever fall in love with somebody then wake up one day and realize “Hey, you’re nothing like I thought you were”? That’s sort of what’s going on here. And, also, with the pizza I ordered last night. Anyone know how to get mushroom stains off of sheets?

Dear Ryan Seacrest,

Last night, Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake performed in LA with Madonna - but not together as you had promised. Instead, Ms. Spears stood painfully still singing “Human Nature,” while afterward, Master Timberlake appeared looking like the Artful Dodger’s gay cousin Skippy. My only response to you, Mr. Seacrest, is “What in the hell?”
Like most of the civilized world, I had hoped the former lovers would reunite on stage reminding us of sweet innocence, and that time I masturbated to my roommate’s Britney poster in college (Sorry, Kevin!). It would be a joyous celebration. Only to be interrupted by Madonna devouring their souls and proclaiming herself “Justney Spearserlake.” “Justney” would then spend the remainder of the evening eating puppies and small children in the downtown area to the beat of “Lucky Star.” In hindsight, perhaps my expectations were too high, but then again, I’m a music lover.
As a man of honor, I cannot let this travesty go unanswered. Therefore, I’ve retaliated in a way that will haunt even the darkest of your dreams, Mr. Seacrest:
I canceled your 10:15 tanning appointment - and seaweed wrap.

May God have mercy on us all,

The Superficial Writer

EDIT: Added video after the jump. You’re welcome?

Madonna’s soon-to-be former father-in-law, John Ritchie, is lashing out at her Madgesty through the British media.
He’s apparently not happy with M’s Boston outburst.
Says Poppa Ritchie:
“She’s being beastly. She is saying, ‘Did you ever love me?’ It goes back to a time when she fell off her horse and she’s blaming him for that. She’s [...]

Madonna hasn’t gotten much rest since her shocking announcement (not!) that she was divorcing Guy Ritchie, and then interesting follow-up claims that it was Guy who called to end the marriage after “simply fall[ing] out of love.” The rumors won’t stop yet, that’s for sure, but they won’t stop Madonna from continuing her daily routine. For Madonna, the show must go on (literally speaking) and trips to the Kabbalah Center will continue. Even if she’s covering her face with giant shades and a trucker cap, she’s making the effort!

Madonna was snapped here heading to the Kabbalah Center in New York City prior to catching her flight to Toronto.

Click Continue Reading for All 5 Thumbnails of “Madonna Puts On A Brave Face, Goes To Kabbalah.”

Pictures by Splash News